Somatic breathing with @jannerobinson I wasn’t going to post this but Truth is Freedom…
I found a memory from when I was two, whilst I was doing a visualization through @jannerobinson beta testing meet your truth. When my brother was born he was damaged at birth. They tried to pull him out & squashed his head with forceps damaging his eyes. They then pushed him back in & did a c-section. My brother was hard work for my mother due to the damage & she was exhausted. My father never helped her. When she became pregnant with me, she wished for a perfect baby every night whilst I was in the womb. She was on bed rest for 6wks due to nearly losing me. When I came out I became that perfect baby. I slept through the night from the first night. Mom said she did not know she had me till a teenager. When I was 2 in QLD I pushed her teapot down some stairs & broke it. I wanted to be seen, not be perfect. I wanted to make noise not try play small to help others. I wanted to be loved for being a complicated human. My mom was angry when I broke it. Inside I felt like I could never be anything but perfect & hers & the worlds suffering became my responsibility to be fix in my head. I thought as long as I am perfect & do not make a fuss then I am a good person. All I wanted in that moment was my mom to sit with me & teach me about Kintsugi the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold — built on the idea that in embracing flaws & imperfections, you can create an even stronger, more beautiful piece of art. I wanted her to see me, give me permission to feel & live as imperfect me. But what I was chasing was me to give me permission, me giving me space to be triggered, learn to heal, be messy & take up space. I wanted to be loved not for my masks, ease & grace. I wanted to be loved for my goof, sad, happy, struggling human sides too. So for my whole life I have been trying to make everyone else feel okay for being imperfect & trying to give them the Kinstungi experience but I need to do this for little me too. Nobody ever felt here for me. Now I see I need to be here for me. I am the love I’m craving & it’s ok to be me even if it isn’t perfect.
